Month: January 2021

My kids are grown-ups, young adults with their own living spaces, life routines, and plans for their future but the parenting hasn’t stopped and neither has their dependence. Not that it’s the same kind of parenting I occupied myself with while they were young and still living in our family home, but parenting it is, nevertheless. I am not the only parent who feels this way because I see it happening to my friends and colleagues. And, not just in this country, but globally. Young people nowadays face much higher living expenses and comparably lower wages than my generation encountered when we spread our wings.

Young people want their independence like their parents did at that age but moving out, being able to afford a car, health insurance, and still have enough to eat is a struggle for many. My children seem to lean more on us parents than my generation did, if not financially than emotionally. Of course, technology has made staying in touch ridiculously easy, but did technology turn us into slaves or masters? I tell myself that knowing my children’s whereabouts and many details of their lives gives me peace of mind but sometimes I wonder if the phrase, “What you don’t know cannot hurt you“, might be another option. It served me fine when I was young and traveled the globe without my family knowing much of my whereabouts.

At the moment, I have two daughters in two different countries, and we touch base, no matter how short, almost every day. When I was their age and traveling frequently, I would call my mom once a month with a collect call from a phonebooth in the country I was traveling through. My own mother’s heart cannot even imagine the horror! If I would have to endure not hearing from my children for a month, not knowing if they were okay, the stress would be intense. Parents like me have allowed some of this prolonged parenting and dependency with the assistance of the Smart Phone.

Although I see that I was more self-sufficient in my early 20s and made my decisions aided mostly by intuition and peer’s advise, my kids do amaze me. They are outgoing, well-traveled, aware of politics, full of dreams and possibilities for their lives, have a solid group of loyal friends, and are not afraid to go after what they want. So, why do I feel like I failed to teach them something?

Society changed since I grew up and that is not something most parents like me had much control over. But, did we shelter our children too much from pain and mistakes instead of letting them fall and crawl back up? So either we did, and we’re still trying to fix and straighten their upbringing here and there, or we didn’t and it’s too late. Time will tell. As a parent, you probably never feel like you did enough, because what defines enough? In the end, it’s probably me who isn’t ready to cut the umbilical cord and is willing to let it stretch into eternity. Either way, they will always be my babies no matter how old they’ll get.

Monday March 4, 2019

Being besties with your child can innocently blossom into a peer relationship. At first, it feels good and you innocently believe you and your child are not like the other families. You can manage to be friends and make childrearing a democratic endeavor. All the more, when there are smaller siblings to take care of, the older child and the parent may develop a camaraderie, a team. Over time, however, it becomes clear that there is a monster in the making. The mother or father and child friendship-bonds are destined to interfere with limiting the child’s wants and implementing rules and boundaries (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). Do we sacrifice the bond for boundaries?

Boundaries are the crutches of the cripple, the roadmap for the traveler, and the instructions of a build-it-yourself-desk. Boundaries are needed to educate, condition, and cultivate responsible, and self-sufficient human beings. We prefer the next generation to be humans with grit who can set appropriate boundaries for themselves and others.

But, now your child has become your friend and you realize that it is hard to tell your friend, to clean his/her room, do homework, and leave you in peace when you are in the company of other grown-ups. The elevated status of the child as “friend” can now take on unpleasant proportions and ugly confrontations. But, let’s analyze how this shift in authority happened in the first place?

Caretakers are often isolated and limited in spending much time with friends. Without a friend as a soundboard, some sisterhood TLC, or other adult companionship. Undetected at first, the child fills that gap and with it, moves itself up in the family hierarchy. It’s understandable, mom had some weak moments, or dad needed to vent, but now it is clear that their “friendship” is not benefitting the child’s progress or the parent-child relationship. The acquired status has turned the child into an assertive, backtalking terror that turns every parent-declined request into a debate or negotiation. To make matters worse, the child feels completely entitled to “fight for his right”.

How do you turn this situation around? The best way to slowly bring back the balance is to collaboratively, parent and child, agree on which issues the child has authority over and which it doesn’t. The friendship status did not happen overnight and therefore there is no quick fix. Patience and consistency will normalize this situation. The best tip I can give is, “Whatever you do, do not let the child wear you down; don’t ever give in or all is lost!” I remember an occasion or two where being consequent with a punishment reduced me to tears from guilt, but it had to be done.

Once the boundaries have been set, prevent discussing unnecessary grown-up issues with your child and make sure your child does not overhear you negatively venting about people and situations. Sharing negative qualities of people who work with or take care of your children can cause them to worry and cause the child to lose respect for these caretakers. Negative comments diminish the authority these people need to have over the child. Additionally, your disrespect towards these persons will encourage the child to see no wrong in addressing people disrespectfully as well (family members, teachers, grandparents, housekeepers, nannies, etc.). Children learn from what the adults model and will accept it as the norm. It is very likely that in time, the child will aim the same disrespect at you, the parent.

I meet many parents who enjoy being their kids’ friends and are genuinely disappointed when their kids start taking liberties and display entitled attitudes. It’s nobody’s fault really, just a slight misunderstanding. It might be too late for prevention, but the situation can be addressed before it gets out of hand. Regular family meetings are a great tool to improve communication, give every member a chance to voice their gratitude and/or grief, and are an excellent platform for compromises but also for setting limits.

Of course, eventually, your children can become your friends but give them a chance to grow up first. It is important not to burden young minds before they can analyze and relate to adult emotions and frustrations. You can love your kids and spoil them, but as the parent, you need to be the one who keeps them safe, sets the pace, and enforces the rules. Needless to say, you do respectfully allow room for the input of the child, according to maturity, but decisions a parent makes need to be readily accepted and respected by the child. To stop the constant negotiations, beggings, and “It’s not fair!” remarks, it helps to use the Love and Logic method (Cline & Fay, 1990) where the parent acknowledges the child’s disappointment and resentment but continues to expect and enforce the requested behavior. By displaying empathy for the child’s feelings you show you care, but by not budging you show wisdom and grit. The best response is always, “I know, that must make you feel frustrated, but what did I say?” At first, you need to stick to your guns and not give in and never let the child wear you out. After a few weeks of you saying “but what did I say?”, the child will know you are serious and stop debating. If your patience and self-control are deserting you, defer the discussion to a later time. Say, “I am losing my patience so let’s give each other a break and discuss the issue again later”. You can do it!

Young people do better when they live with enforced, age-appropriate limits (DeVore & Ginsburg, 2005). Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to be the enforcer. As Dr. Rosemond (1989) said, “If they don’t want to hear what you have to say, they don’t want to hear what you have to say, no matter how, or how many times you say it”. Show your children how much you love them and explain your motivations for decisions briefly, but stand your ground and don’t allow elongated pleads. Being your child’s best friend is not practical nor beneficial, but being a friendly parent is!

References:

DeVore, E. R., & Ginsburg, K. R. (2005). The protective effects of good parenting on adolescents. Current opinion in pediatrics, 17(4), 460-465.

Foster, W. C., & Fay, J. (1990). Parenting with love and logic: Teaching children responsibility. Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press.

Rosemond, J. K. (1989). John Rosemond’s Six-point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children. Kansas City, MI: Andrews and McMeel.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

Home learning has been interesting, to say the least. Many parents are working from home while their children are also schooled from home. That doesn’t sound so bad in theory, right? However, home-learning does not quite occupy the same amount of hours youngsters usually spend at school. During the last year, it has become pretty clear that to stay up with the grade level pace, students are expected to work many hours a day independently on assignments. Many students do not work well independently, give up easy, do not initiate seeking resources, and have a hard time keeping themselves motivated to do any work at all once the teacher signs off. One problem is that parents feel guilty and hang on to excuses. It’s easy to blame the pandemic “Oh, but he sits in front of the computer all day for school and then he has to do his assignments on there too?” “It’s too much for these kids!” Maybe it is, but as we say, “It is what it is!” and we are going to have to persevere and make the best of it. Remember, “When the going gets tough……..”. and “When life gives you lemons….. (I like the one that concludes with “we make Margaritas”, lol). Are parents unknowingly feeding a chronic lack of grit? Life is never just a walk in the park, people need to adjust, adapt, modify their goals, and go with the flow to find opportunities for growth. We all know that being exposed to situations where flexibility and stamina are needed is what builds character and trains perseverance. Isn’t that what we want to see in our children?

Numerous parents have discovered that their little angels have turned into moody and uncooperative demons and the expression, “I don’t know how teachers do it?” has been heard around the globe. I can tell you how we do it, we have high expectations and we don’t back down. We train students to get organized repeatedly and consistently, we teach them to be prepared for classes with materials by displaying a daily agenda, and we demand effort. We help students to reflect on their attempts and their results, and we discuss how to meet new goals and desired outcomes consistently and frequently. Kids try to wear us out too, but we stiffen our backs and do not let them get away with it. We have strict routines, and rules, and don’t take Sh..! We have expectations and immediate consequences for unwanted behaviors, and missing assignments. We take away recess, re-assign lunch and/or PE to catch up on unfinished work, send notices home, and schedule student,-parent-teacher meetings. No bribes, no rewards, just expectations, grades, encouragements, and acknowledgments. Feeding intrinsic motivation.

It may help that in class, many students feel the need to compare themselves to other students which can be motivating for some. A little peer pressure at times can work wonders. Additionally, a teacher’s “stink-eye” can also motivate most students to change undesired behavior. In general, kids misbehave in class plenty, refuse to do work, do work that is below their ability, and whine with the same excuses they give their parents. In the end, no matter what happens, if they want to succeed as scholars, in their careers, as friends, parents, bosses, or athletes, they need to be able to adjust to new situations, put their best efforts forth, and have the courage and strength to reinvent themselves.

I saw a note hanging on a teacher’s door the other day which said, “Character isn’t built by doing things that are easy, but by doing things that are hard!” and that is what it comes down to regardless of the environmental situation.

Because it is evident that “normal” life is not returning any time soon if ever, here are some ideas to get a better handle on your child’s home learning experience:

Preparation for Online Learning Success

1. Discuss with your child the whole home-learning situation. The pros, the cons, the expectations, the daily commitment in hours, the independent effort, and the students’ progress and its implications (repeating the year?). Ask them about their worries, their fears, their frustrations, and express concern and empathy but make it clear it is what it is and they need to do their jobs (which is doing well in school and getting paid in grades) like you have to do your job to get paid in money!
2. Make sure your child’s tools and resources are up to date, charged, and working properly. Not being able to log on, download, print, etc. is extremely frustrating and demotivating! I strongly suggest buying an inexpensive bl/wh printer (for school use only!) that communicates wirelessly with your child’s computer or laptop and some extra black ink and plenty of printer paper. A headset with a microphone is a must!
3. Create a comfortable area with a small desk or table and good Internet reception. Ask the child for advice on how to design the workspace (within reason). The more children feel they are part of a process, have choices and input, the more likely they are to comply.
4. Sign-in all necessary home-learning websites on your child’s device and save the usernames and passwords for easy access and create icons on the desktop.
5. If your child is in third grade or higher, give him or her an alarm clock and tell them you expect them to wake up themselves and get ready for class. There should be an incentive or a consequence for not following this request. Like earning the right to watch a movie or a visit to the park.
6. Train your child to be ready for class (meaning, they have eaten, drank, used the bathroom, are groomed and dressed, and ready to start the school day). Teach them punctuality and have the child seated at their desk 10 minutes before log in time. Check if all materials like pens, pencils (sharpened), eraser, line paper, scratch paper, notebook for taking notes, and graph paper for mathematics are ready to go in the working area.
7. Do not allow your child to eat or drink during class and make sure their phones and other distracting items are locked away until after classes have ended.
8. Laying on a bed or couch is not conducive to learning. Make sure your child’s body language is promoting alertness and focus by sitting up straight with both feet on the floor.
9. Encourage your child to get up and move around between classes. There are some enjoyable silly-movement youtube videos that can help liven up the sedentary online learning experience.
10. Last but not least, communicate with your child a lot. Listen to their complaints but also discuss the positives and point out there can be a balance. Share your own Pandemic related frustrations. Discuss your worries and concerns as a parent. We are all in this together. Promise each other you will do the very best that you can.